This week I had a conversation with a friend. It was difficult, sad, and full of truth at its purest. What was spoken was nothing to be argued with and yet it made me long for Home.
Last week Matt was gone for our staff retreat. I chose to stay home with the kids and it was difficult, fun, and full of laughter and some tears. I realized that I am deeply connected to Matt. The kind of connection that I am scared to admit. Part of me wants to believe that if I had to, I could make it on my own. But the truth is, I am a better person with him around. I laugh more, choose truth more, cry more for others, seek Christ more fervently, am sharpened and well...more like Jesus because he and I are deeply intertwined. It made me wonder what Home will be like, with all of us together in our purest form, tightly wound around eachother, depending on one another without self-protection, without reservation or fear.
I am longing for Home. I know this is good because I was never meant to nestle in here. The verse that has haunted me often is when Jesus is talking and says that birds have nests, foxes have dens, but the Son of man has no place to lay his head...it sobers this world up a bit. It keeps me from being intoxicated by what it has to offer. There is a line in a Rich Mullins song that says, "Nobody tells you when you get born here, how much you'll come to love it and how you'll never belong here. So I'll call you my country, but I'll be longing for my home. I wish that I could take you there with me."
What I do long for on this side of heaven is deep, intertwining friendships that never question the realm of purity and never tap into self-protection. There is a loneliness that subsides only for a little while, usually with a hug or a warm smile. But usually...usually it haunts me because I know I have no place to lay my head and weep.